eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
