I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
