By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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