I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
