Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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