You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
