Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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