so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
