I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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