in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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