i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
