Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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