If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
