My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
