I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My balls are so social today.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
