I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
