I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
