sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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