Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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