Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
