and my herpes radar will keep us safe
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
