I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
