Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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