Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
