Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
