he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
