I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
