We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
