i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
