I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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