My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
