my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
