I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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