Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
