I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
