90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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