I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
