I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
