Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
