He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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