please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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