i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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