1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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