i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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