i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
