I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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