So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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