i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
