I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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