I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
