I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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